When it’s better left said
Posted by Carol Howard Merritt on 15 Sep 2008 at 04:58 pm | Tagged as: church, pastors
When I left my last call, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. We had just turned some major corners. The church was growing. We just finished the congregation’s first successful building campaign. The flowerbeds were brightening; the windows were being repaired. The people who swore up and down that they would “never, ever have a woman pastor” had finally changed their minds. And then… before I even had a real chance to understand what was going on, I was called somewhere else.
For me, it was like God basically parted all the clouds in the sky and pointed down and said, “Here. I want you here. Now.” Seriously, things don’t usually work that way for me, but I have never been so sure about a call in my life and probably never will be again.
When I explained that I was leaving the church for an associate position, things went from bad to worse. Many people in my church could understand letting me go, but they were furious that I was going someplace where I wasn’t going to be preaching every Sunday. They saw it as a waste. And since it wasn’t a clear step up, they didn’t know why I was taking it.
All this to say… it can be ugly. And heartbreaking.
And one of the most difficult decisions that we have to make when we leave a position is this: How honest should we be? I mean, if it’s been a difficult call, and the church needs to face some serious issues, and you weren’t able to work through them, should you tell them?
It’s a lot easier not to. It’s a lot easier to play nice, to ride off into the sunset without getting into it. A person can count on getting better references in the future that way.
But, if you’re at a congregation where the last five pastors left for the same reason and no one has said to them, “This is why I’m leaving,” shouldn’t someone say something?
Now, of course, it is always better to face the difficulties when you are there, instead of on the way out, but sometimes people leave unexpectedly. Or sometimes when people find out that you are leaving, they let you in on the congregation’s secrets. Sometimes after you make that important announcement, some significant issues come up. You find out about the sexual harassment that members had been hiding, or the financial shadiness that was lurking in the church’s history. And it is better that you have the strength and the stamina to deal with them.
I guess the bottom line is this… what’s good for the church? Of course, it’s not good to give them a laundry list of “All the terrible things that you’ve done to me.” And it doesn’t help a church to hear, “This is why I’m leaving and this why you’re such an awful, dysfunctional group.”
Yet if there are some things that are clear, it may be a good thing to have a constructive, loving heart-to-heart with some key church leaders. It’s not fun, but it’s all a part of the process.
The photo is by Bob Jagendorf. His profile’s worth a visit, the photos are beautiful.
It’s a tough call, Carol. There was an old book called something like “Ending Well and Starting Strong.” it kind of relates to your experience.
When I left Scotland 14 years ago, the church I left was thriving. The next pastor came and closed the church. Sometimes I feel guilty and some of the people blame me for the church closing because I left or ‘abandoned’ them.
When God calls, there’s always an emotional cost and some sort of conflict. I think the Old Testamenters used to call it “affliction.”
“Affliction.” I like that.
So sorry about the church closing. That’s so hard to see happen.
With stushie, I’d say aye, it’s tough…but then again, sometimes the Call isn’t to things we particularly want to do. We’re called to leave when they’ve finally learned to love us. We’re called to stay when staying weighs us down to breaking.
At a bare minimum, it sounds like your prior church really appreciated you. That’s not a bad thing.
I recently left a call in a very affluent community. I was making more money than most HOS’s, but we couldn’t afford to stay. We knew real estate would be expensive and taxes would be high. We didn’t know we’d have to pay for our children to ride the bus to public school, or that park district soccer would twice as expensive, or that milk would cost more.
It wasn’t the kind of thing that the whole congregation needed to hear from me. However, I felt that not having that conversation with the Finance and Personnel Chairs would have been unfair to the next person called.
Talking about money is never fun. We hate to even dance around the perception that we’re all about money. However, it’s important.